


An Elf on My Shelf: a Christmas Mystery

by ObsessedtwibrarianOTB



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Christmas, F/M, Humor, One Shot, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-07-14 03:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7151594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsessedtwibrarianOTB/pseuds/ObsessedtwibrarianOTB
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella is being stalked by an Elf-on-the Shelf secret admirer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Elf on My Shelf: a Christmas Mystery

**Day One**

“There’s something on the table I think you should see,” Charlie muttered as he passed me in the hall.

I ambled into the kitchen and stared, open-mouthed. One of those silly Elf on the Shelf dolls was lying on our table in a pile of flour, arms and legs spread wide, with red and green sprinkles scattered around it.

There was a note: “Bella, I would love to make snow angels with you. Love, Buddy”. _(Buddy? Do you know anyone named Buddy?? Yeah, me neither.)_

“Charlie!” I shouted, certain that he was behind this, or if not, that he would know who was. No answer. I peeked out the window; his cruiser was already gone. Rats.

So was I supposed to clean this mess up or leave it for our elf-maid?? I didn’t have time for this; I was already almost late for work. I decided that Charlie could clean up his own dumb little mess all by his dumb little self when he got home from a long day of chasing dumb little criminals all over Forks. _(I know I’m acting like a child instead of a 24-year-old, but whatever. I don’t do mornings.)_

 

**Day Two**

Charlie professed ignorance regarding the identity of the trespasser who’d messed up our kitchen yesterday. _(Yes, I realize that I should not be surprised. This is nothing new with Charlie, but one would think he would’ve become more observant after the Cullen Love Affair Debacle. Okay, OKAAAY! I’m sorry I even brought that up! Sheesh! You people need to get over that already! It’s ancient history!)_

I arrived at work to find my partners-in-camping-gear-crime crowded around the door of my office, giggling. _(That’s right. I’m 24 years old and work at Newton’s Sporting Goods Store as a bookkeeper. So freaking what?! I just don’t know what I want to do with my life yet, okay?? Sorry, I’m a little cranky until I’ve had my second cup of coffee.)_

“Secret admirer, Bella?” Jessica asked, grinning.

I pushed the rubberneckers out of the way and craned my head around the doorframe, suppressing a groan. The shelf elf fiend had struck again. This time the little punk was looking through the window of a cardboard kissing booth. Hershey Kisses wrapped in festive red and green foil lay scattered around it.

The note read: “Bella, Sharing my kisses with you on this cold December morning. Love, Buddy.”

I ordered everyone out of my office, but yanked Jessica back in and closed the door. “Did you see who did this?” I asked. Jessica mainlined Forks gossip like a heroin addict. If anyone knew who my secret elf stalker was, it would be her.

She shook her head. “Not a clue. But it’s sweet, whoever it is.”

 _Sweet?? Riiight. Try creepy._ I pecked a fingernail on my desk, ignoring those little morsels of chocolate cellulite calling my name. Then suddenly, I knew who was behind this. I wanted to punch myself in the nose for being so dense.

“It’s Edward,” I said. “He’s still not over me.” _(Oh shut up! You were thinking the same thing, too. We all know how stalker-ish he is, so it was a logical deduction. I am **NOT** still crushing on him! I totally resent that comment!!)_

Jessica snickered lewdly. “Bella, darling, Edward is over you. Trust me on that."

My gossip detector engaged. “And you know this how?”

She smirked. “Well, I could give you all the sordid details, but they’re NSFW. Let’s just say that Edward has been really busy decking the halls of every girl in Forks with his boughs of holly.” She winked. “He’s currently giving some holiday cheer to a buxom blonde from Fort Lauderdale.”

_(Edward is a man-floozy now?? Wow. A moment of silence please, while we recover from our collective shock. And yes, I totally agree. I am so glad that he’s now sneaking into some other poor girl’s bedroom and watching **her** sleep all night! #DodgedABullet.)_

“Well, I’m glad to hear he’s moved on, but that still leaves me with a secret admirer with an elf fetish, and I have absolutely no idea who it is.”

Jessica smiled sadly. “It’s romantic and sweet, Bella. Don’t analyze it to death. Just go with it."

Just go with it?? When has _that_ ever worked out for me?

 

**Day Three**

There was no surprise waiting for me anywhere in our house. Huh. For some reason, the shelves of my life were suddenly and conspicuously elfless. _(I am not disappointed! Where did you get that idea?? My formative years were nothing but a supernatural hell—vampire and shape shifter boyfriends, remember? I’m very happy that my life is normal now. I’m not upset that a thirty-dollar pile of red felt has apparently dumped me. Totally. Not. Upset.)_

Exhausted at the end of a long day, I shuffled tiredly into the bathroom to take care of business. I never made it to the toilet. There were two of those silly elves taking a marshmallow bubble bath in my sink!

There was a note: “Bella, My cousin Scooter is pretty fun, but I’d rather share my bubbles with you. P.S. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I let him tag along. I’m not gay, I promise. Love, Buddy.”

“CHARLIE!!”

While I waited for my father to decide whether my scream meant I was in mortal danger or just had a really bad rat’s nest in my hair, I tried not to smile. Whoever was behind this was very creative. And sweet. And romantic. And…*le sigh*.

“Is there something you want to tell me, Bells?” Charlie asked, leaning against the doorframe in his pajamas and looking disturbingly unconcerned. In fact, he was grinning.

“Do you know anything about this??”

He shook his head. “Nope.”

“Aren’t you the least bit concerned that someone is sneaking into your house at night and creeping on your daughter??”

He raised his eyebrows, and then chuckled. “Do you really want to go there, Bells?”

_(Stop that snickering. I know I was an idiot back in my Edward days, but everybody really needs to let that go.)_

“So, you’re not even going to attempt to find out who this is?”

He smirked. “Do you really want me to start an official investigation of a Christmas elf? I’d be forced to take early retirement.” He shrugged. “You’ve been through worse things than this, Bells. You can handle it. ‘Nite.”

Let’s just get two things straight right now: 1) Children have a God-given right to be reckless, irresponsible, and to keep life-threatening secrets from their parents. This fact has been documented in hundreds of young adult books, and 2) Parents do not have the right to abandon their helpless child in her hour of need, especially when said child is being terrorized by an Elf on the Shelf! I was on my own, and this was completely unacceptable.

“Okay, mister smarty felt pants,” I said softly, foregoing my bed and settling down on the couch with enough sustenance and entertainment to last the night. “Let’s see if you can sneak by Isabella Marie Swan. I’ve got detective blood in my veins. I’ve got skills, dude.”

 

**Day Four**

I called in sick, not because I was sick, but because I’d stayed awake until three in the morning trying to catch our breaking-and-entering elf, and then had fallen asleep and slept straight through until almost noon. I trudged groggily upstairs to my room. I needed to crash on my comfy bed and stretch the couch-kinks out of my body.

“Holy— _(insert Quileute curse here)_ —!!!”  Somehow the elf-felon had snuck by me, probably while I was comatose in the wee hours of the morning. The little demon was tucked snugly underneath my blanket, his head resting on my pillow, surrounded by candy wrappers, a half-empty bottle of soda, and the remote control.

Another note: “Bella, We’re like two ships passing in the night. I really want to change that. P.S. It sucks watching TV alone. Love, Buddy.”

A disturbing possibility suddenly occurred to me. I had a bad feeling that my mystery stalker just might live in a little red house across the treaty line. Ugh.  _(Oh, don’t start. I really don’t want to hear how caring, unselfish, strong, self-sacrificing, and blah, blah, blah amazing Jacob Black is. I know you guys worship him, but he’s not the same Jake from our love triangle days. Trust me on this.)_

 

**Day Five**

The minute I opened my eyes, I immediately wondered where I would find my elf today. I now understood how kids could become so obsessed with this toy and its mischievous antics.

Since I was still alive, I began to think that my mysterious admirer was just a harmless guy with a cute little crush on me. Jessica was right. It really was kind of sweet and romantic. Then I remembered who my Number One Suspect was, and my warm fuzzies disintegrated.

My dash down the stairs to breakfast was brought to a screeching halt when I bumped into a Spiderman elf hanging from the ceiling on a string.

A note was attached: “Bella, Even upside-down, you’re beautiful. P.S. I would love to re-enact that Spidey kiss with you. Love, Buddy.”

Gosh. My shriveled heart grew ten sizes. There was no way this was Edward’s doing, and I was beginning to doubt that it was Jake’s either. _(Girls, trust me on this. There’s just too much water under that bridge.)_ This had to be someone else, but who?

 

**Day Six**

“Hey, Bella!”

It was the Saturday before Christmas and nothing could have cheered me up more than to find Seth Clearwater standing in my living room, grinning. _(Okay, I understand the cooing and the little red hearts popping out of all of your eyes, but Seth is nineteen now. He’s officially a sex taco, all hard shell and lots of yummy fillings. Oh shut up, you dirty-minded heifers! I don’t think of him that way! He's like a brother to me. I was just making an observation. Geez.)_

I explained my elf situation to him, hoping he could tell me if my admirer was a dark-haired, bronze-skinned wolf with complicated mating issues.

“That’s a really cute idea,” he observed, flashing an adorable grin. “But it’s not Jake.” His smile faded. “He imprinted back in October.”

An astonished “oh!” slid out of my mouth before I could stop it. Then I narrowed my eyes menacingly. “Charlie failed to mention that little detail to me.”

_(Don’t you dare take that man’s side! He is obligated as a parent to give full disclosure on all things regarding his daughter’s exes.)_

Seth gave me a sympathetic look. “I’m sure he was just trying to protect you. It happened at a bonfire. She was somebody’s second cousin just visiting the rez, nobody you know. He took one look at her and BAM! I’ve never actually witnessed an imprinting before. It was kind of intense and awesome.” Then his cheeks reddened, and he apologized. “Sorry, Bella. I didn’t mean…”

_(See guys?? This is why I had to walk away from Jacob Black. The writing was on the wall. I knew that eventually he was going to imprint on somebody and my heart just wouldn’t have survived that. You understand, right? #DodgedANuclearBomb)_

“Is he happy?” I asked.

Seth nodded. “He is. And honestly, this was the best thing that could have happened to him. After you two broke up, he went crazy.” He shook his head sadly. “He went from one girl to the next, breaking all their hearts. He would have crashed and burned eventually if something hadn’t stopped him.”

“I’m glad everything worked out for him, Seth.” _(No guys, I’m not lying. I really am happy for him. More than that, I’m relieved that he’s not my mystery elf, because I am so done with the paranormal dating scene. I just want someone normal now.)_

Seth went on to assure me that no one in the pack was carrying a torch for me; he would have heard about it in their thoughts. “But hey, if you need me to kick some elf butt for you once you find out who it is, I’m available,” he offered, grinning.

_They just don’t come any sweeter than Seth Clearwater. My knight in shining fur._

After Seth left, I had to go back out and pick up some last-minute items for our Christmas dinner. When I returned, there was another elf sitting on top of our spice shelf, with a note taped to the wall behind him: For a good time call 55B-UDDY.

There was another note on the counter: “Bella, That number is fake, of course. ;) But if you want to know Buddy’s real identity, meet me tomorrow afternoon, 1:00, at your favorite diner in Forks. I picked a public place so you would feel safe, but if you decide not to come, I’ll understand. Love, Buddy.”

_(I know, I KNOW! You don’t have to yell! I agree with you. This could be really dangerous. Well? What should I do? Tell Charlie?? Are you insane??!! He’ll just go all parent-y on me and forbid me to go, or he’ll squeal into the parking lot with lights and siren. Embarrassing. Besides, you and I both know that I have a long history of keeping life-threatening secrets from my parents, and I’m just too old to change now. I’m going.)_

 

**Day Seven (Christmas Eve)**

My morning started with another adorable elf sitting on the kitchen counter playing marshmallow tic-tac-toe.

The note read: “Bella, It’s your move. Will it be a kiss or a hug? Love, Buddy”.

 _Awww._ Smiling, I whipped up some breakfast under the watchful elf-eye of my romantic secret admirer. I could hardly wait until one o’clock.

**xxx000xxx**

I snuck into the diner behind another couple so I could try to see him before he saw me. I peeked around them, searching for a familiar face. My mouth dropped open when I saw him sitting at a table facing the door, wearing one of those goofy stick-on nametags that you wear to conventions.

Admittedly, it had been ages since I'd hung out at the rez for any length of time, and of course people would have aged in my absence, but dayum! In disbelief, I made my way to his table, trying to keep my tongue from dragging the floor.

"Hey, Bella," he said quietly as I sat down, a small smile simmering at the edges of his spectacular mouth.

"Brady?? Wow. You've changed a lot since the last time I saw you."

A crooked grin. "The miracle of puberty."

I let that go without comment. “So, you’re my elf stalker?” He nodded, smiling, and looking completely unapologetic. “How did you get in without Charlie knowing it?”

_(Quit laughing. I know it’s a stupid question, given Charlie’s history, but I’m curious, so bite me.)_

“Charlie helped me. He was reluctant at first, but I finally convinced him. I’m pretty persistent.”

_(Ooooh, that lying punk-daddy. Putting some Ex-Lax in Charlie’s next batch of brownies is a fabulous idea! Thank you, girls!)_

And then our short conversation thudded to a stop. After an uncomfortable minute that felt like an eternity, Brady stepped in to fill the awkward void.

“I’ve had a crush on you since I was thirteen. I was that gangly little kid nobody noticed, so I knew if I was going to get your attention post-Jake, I was going to have to do something a little more original than just flash my abs at you.”

_(What is it with you guys and abs?? Geez. Pull yourselves together, people.)_

“I’m just asking for a chance, Bella,” he said, his expression so pitiful that I wanted to reach over and hug him all better.

“How old are you again?” I blurted out instead.

“I’m legal,” he answered, smirking. “Turned eighteen a few months ago.”

_(Of course I can add. DUH. He’s six years younger than me. And no, I’m not a cradle-robbing pedo.)_

He took one look at my expression and snickered. “Come on, Bella. You had a boyfriend who was nearly a hundred years older than you. Six years is nothing.”

Valid point, but that wasn’t my main concern. Unfortunately, I was going to have to break this sweet guy’s precious little heart, and I hated it.  “You seem like a nice guy, Brady, but I don't date vampires _or_ wolves anymore. I just want somebody normal. I’m really sorry.”

He nodded. “I understand that, considering what you’ve been through. Lucky for you I just happen to be normal.”

_(Gosh girls, turn it down a notch! I’m way ahead of you. I wasn’t just looking at Jake’s hot body, you know. I actually paid attention to those bonfire stories.)_

“You’re related to the Atearas and the Clearwaters,” I said knowingly. “You’re not normal.”

And then he proceeded to tell me how he’d had to watch everyone around him change, including Collin, and how impatient he’d been for it to happen to him, too. But when he’d turned seventeen without phasing, he’d confronted his parents, asking them if something was wrong with him.

“That’s when they told me I was adopted,” he said quietly. “I’m never going to phase, Bella. I’m never going to hunt vampires, or be gone all night running a perimeter. I’m never going to imprint on someone else and break your heart.”

Wow. Talk about a bombshell.

He extended his hand across the table, waiting. “A chance, Bella. That’s all I’m asking,” he said softly.

Was I ready to take another chance? Probably not, but I was going to take it anyway. If it didn’t work out, I’d be okay. I’d been hurt… _a lot_ …but I was stronger now because of it.  I reached out and folded my fingers in with his. I immediately noticed that his skin wasn’t too cold or too hot.

It was just... _warm_. It was normal.

**The End**

**(RYAN BERTROCHE starring as Brady Fuller)**


End file.
